Lines
by CherryBlossom915
Summary: In all the time she had spent with Castle, she had seen every side of him… or so she thought. Now, between the lines of his newest thriller, Kate heard bitterness. Pre-Rise, Kate reads Heat Rises.


**AN: So, fun fact about me: I have a four and a half hour drive home from college (sometimes worse depending on traffic) and I discovered that audio books keep me awake and engaged. The last couple drives, I have listened to the Nikki Heat books because… well because they crack me up (I laugh at every episode reference. The people on the road must think I'm the happiest driver in the world). WARNING: I have included some spoilers from **_**Heat Rises**_** in here. If you don't want to know, stop reading now! This last one, though, just broke my heart. I kept imagining Castle writing it, just wrenched that Beckett wasn't calling him, and then I started to hear that in the writing. Beckett's a smart cookie, so I imagine she heard it too. This is my idea of how she felt after reading it and why she came back to work a week early. Enjoy!**

Kate sent her dad out to the store to buy _Heat Rises _the day it was released. Sure, she was staying at his cabin, far from New York, far from her world, but there was this tiny fear that somehow He could be there. He already barged into her thoughts and her dreams, so why shouldn't he miraculously show up at a store miles away from anything they knew together?

Even though her doctor had prescribed rest, _lots_ of rest, she stayed up all night to finish the book. In it she found everything she expected from Richard Castle. When Nikki fled for her life through Central Park, she hunched over the book, nervous for her alter ego. She cried when Captain Montrose was found murdered. As Nikki turned down her promotion to lieutenant, Kate found herself contemplating her own career with the NYPD. Did she want to move up in the ranks? At every turn in the novel, she marveled at Castle's ability to know her, even when she did not offer much of herself freely.

Amidst the drama and humor and introspection, however, Kate found something new, something she was not expecting. In all the time she had spent with Castle, she had seen every side of him… or so she thought. Now, between the lines of his newest thriller, Kate heard bitterness.

She heard it when Nikki went to Rook's apartment to tell him that she wanted, and needed, to trust him. It hovered when Nikki realized that her only option in Central Park was to go to the "Castle." It practically slapped her across the face during Nikki and Rook's intimate scenes. Every time, she could hear Castle's voice in her head: "This is what we could have been. This is who I _would_ have been for you."

The ending was about as close to cruel as he was capable of, she imagined. He did not handle her shooting delicately but instead shoved it in her face. "How would you feel if it were me? Do you know how it feels to hold someone as their life runs out?" She heard his voice taunt her. Then, as Nikki sat by Rook's bedside, reading him sappy romance novels as she waited for him to wake up, she felt Castle give up. "If you had let me, I would have never left your side in the hospital. But you told me to go, so now Rook can stay in a coma or die, and I'm gone."

And just like that, he wrote himself out of her life. He was contracted to write one more novel, but, as Esposito had reminded her once, he had enough experience to write 100 novels. He never needed to see her again, and, from the sound of things, he didn't want to.

How long did he wait, she wondered, before he gave up? How long did he check his phone, hoping that she was the one texting or calling him? Did he ask Ryan and Esposito where she was? Had he planned a different ending before she shut him out of her life?

The questions running through her head were endless, and the more she asked the worse she felt. She had shut him out before, told him to leave, but every time it was because he had done something wrong. He looked into her mother's case, he didn't call, he questioned her authority, he went behind her back on a case.

This time, all he did was tell her he… she couldn't even finish the thought. Somehow, she still didn't feel ready to face his confession from three months ago. For a while, she had tried to convince herself that he hadn't said it, that it was some sort of near-death hallucination. When days, weeks, and months later the memory was still haunting her thoughts and dreams, she finally let herself believe that it was true.

The cynical voice in her head, which also sounded like Castle, laughed. "Now you believe? Not when I came to you begging you to stop your investigation? Not when I accused you of being with men you don't love? Not when I tried to push you out of the way of a bullet? Not when I practically stopped breathing when I saw you alive again?"

She had already imagined him angry, and the book sitting on her pillow now confirmed it. He…he loved her and she pushed him away like he did something wrong. No wonder he wanted out of her life. She felt the tears start and she made no attempt to stop them. She deserved this. She deserved misery and pain and broken heartedness because that was all she had given him. This was her punishment, one that she would accept with grace and tissues.

Why did she do this every time they became close? Why did she reject his offer to go to the Hamptons? She really couldn't blame him for getting back together with Gina…she had practically shoved him into her arms. Why did she tell him their partnership was done when he tried to get her to back of her mother's case? Why was her first instinct to flee to a cabin in the woods when he said he loved her? Why did she reach for her cell phone about a hundred times a day only to set it back down without dialing his number?

He had been right, that night in her apartment. She had crawled inside her mother's case and refused to come back out. Every one of her relationships had an obvious expiration date. When someone tried to get close, she blocked them out with…it felt like a wall. It kept people out and kept her in. Sometimes it felt protective and safe and gave her the hiding place she desperately needed. Now, though, it just felt restrictive and bulky and inescapable.

Kate slept late that day and, when she woke, she packed her bags and headed back into the city. It was time to get back on her case, on her mother's case, and close it for good. She needed to get back to the precinct and check in with the guys. Most of all, though, she needed Castle. She needed to let him know that he didn't do anything wrong and that she needed him on her team.

It seemed strange, but she knew that the only way her mother's case would get solved was if Castle was working on it with her. Everything had been stagnant before he came along. And now, as much as she wanted to solve the case to get justice for her mother, she wanted to solve it for Castle too. She wanted him to love her and to love him back, and solving the case would be just the demolition job to tear her wall down.

As she hit the city limits, the last part of her plan fell into place. While endlessly running over just what she would say to Castle, she realized that confronting his feelings would be complicated. What would she say? "I know you love me, but I need you to not say it again until my mom's case is solved because I might panic and bolt." That would not work.

What if she didn't remember? It was plausible after a traumatic experience, and it had a shred of truth to it. She could say that she forgot but make it really clear that she wanted a relationship after the case was solved. Maybe not exactly those words, but enough to let him know there was hope. She had to give him something to have faith in.

It wasn't the best plan, but it was what she had to work with. When the case was closed they'd figure it out and she'd tell him the truth. Until then, she told herself, she would be more open and more caring and build their relationship while they pursued the case. Then, when the day came, their relationship would be strong and they'd be ready to take the next step.

She looked over at _Heat Rises_, which was sitting in her passenger seat. She was going to give Castle a reason to wake Jameson Rook up. She was going to be the one to start the new chapter of their partnership because, just like Nikki and Rook, their story was far from over.

**AN: So, what'd you think? I'm planning a second chapter, "Outside the Lines," that will take place at the end of this season. Stay tuned!**


End file.
